Coming Up For Air
by Netsrik1
Summary: A Season 4 story, a continuation of the conversation between Beckett and Dr. Burke.
1. Chapter 1 - Rise

_A/N: Post ep for_ _ **'Rise'**_ _, a continuation of the conversation with Dr. Burke. Not quite sure where this came from, I got the word about #CastleFanficMonday coming up and there it was! I hope you like it!_

 **Coming Up For Air**

 _"_ _You're probably surprised to see me back here. I bet most cops don't come back after they pass their psych eval."_

 _"_ _Everyone's different."_

 _"_ _Yeah."_

 _"_ _What's on your mind?"_

 _"_ _I don't even know where to start."_

 _"_ _Why don't we start with the shooting? Is any of it coming back to you?"_

 _"_ _I lied…before."_

 _"_ _What do you remember?"_

 _"_ _I remember everything."_

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Why did you lie, Kate?"

"I…um…"

"I could revoke your psychological evaluation…"

"No, Dr. Burke! Please…"

"I probably should. But I'd like to hear your reasons before I do – or if I do."

Kate sighed with relief. That 'if' was her lifeline.

"He told me he loved me," she looked at Dr. Burke, thinking he would ask her who loved her, but he remained silent.

"I mean – I really didn't remember at first," she backtracked. "That first week or so in the hospital, everything was so fuzzy. But when I went up to my dad's cabin…"

She gave a mirthless chuckle.

"…to lick my wounds, so to speak... All the flashes of memory that weren't quite coming through – did."

She looked up at Burke again, hopeful that he might say something, but he didn't.

Damned shrinks and their interrogation tactics.

"I-it wasn't like a lightning bolt hit me or anything, she stammered, wilting a little under his gaze. Did he have to be so intimidating? She felt like she was in the third grade being sent to the principal's office.

"Kate," he said. "It's all right. You've talked to me freely before, do it again."

Do it again. It was climbing Everest the last time to get everything out, what is it this time – Olympus Mons?

"You mentioned that he told you he loved you. I'm going to assume you mean Mr. Castle? Why would that make you lie?"

"Because I was already seeing someone," said Kate shakily. Well…once I started remembering, I realized that I really wanted to be with Castle. And that's when I broke up with Josh. _Ahhh!_ "

She stopped talking, taking a moment to press her hand to her chest.

"Are you all right, Kate?" asked Burke, concerned.

"Yeah," she gritted out. "The scar pulls sometimes."

The pain eased and she sat back in the leather chair.

"After Josh, I thought about calling Castle, but I didn't know what to say. I mean, what a way to start a romance. Changing bandages and dealing with my nausea from the pain meds, not to mention going to the doctor twice a week…Besides; I didn't want him to be – or think he was – a rebound."

"Is he a rebound? For you, I mean."

"No! God, no."

Kate paused, thinking how to phrase what she wanted to say.

"I liked Josh. I still do, really. He's a nice guy, and I felt bad for breaking up with him the way I did. But I never should have been with him in the first place."

Another dark chuckle.

"Even though Castle and I have never been 'together'," she airquoted. "There's always been something there. Something big – something huge. Then when that summer hit….well….let's just say Josh was the rebound."

"Do you want to talk about that summer?" asked Burke.

"No, it's irrelevant now. And not really the problem. Castle and I actually did pretty much work that out."

Kate remained quiet for nearly a full minute.

"Go on, Kate."

"I need to find out who killed my mom," she said slowly. "I told Castle that. I told him that I couldn't be in the kind of relationship I want until that happens. It's a wall that's inside me. I don't…I can't let anyone in. And the only thing that's going to knock it down is finding her killer."

"And what did Mr. Castle say to that?"

"Oh, he understood," Kate leaned forward almost excitedly. "I think he'll wait."

Dr. Burke sat back in his chair, looking at her shrewdly.

"Tell me about your first case now that you're back at work."

Kate's face fell. She didn't want to talk about what she had done concerning her mother's case, but that wasn't what he had asked, was it? On the other hand, what _had_ happened on the Sonya Gilbert case wasn't something she really wanted to admit either. But she's here to talk to a shrink, so she might as well talk.

"I originally was going to sit that case out. I had – ha! I _have_ a ton of paperwork to catch up on, plus at that point I had to requalify to get my gun back. It wasn't until I got Captain Gates to let Castle come back to the precinct that I ended up joining the case."

Her smile, though a bit smug, was genuine.

"I also requalified on the first try."

The smile dropped.

"On our first takedown my partners Ryan and Esposito took point. I usually do, but it was good they did this time."

"Why is that, Kate?" asked Burke.

"Our guy bolted. I ran after him and caught up, but he pulled his gun on me. I froze. I couldn't move. I couldn't pull my own weapon, I couldn't speak, I couldn't…" she trailed off.

"Kate…"

She pulled herself out of her reverie.

"It didn't last long, though it felt like forever. Espo and Ryan caught up and took him down. Castle wanted to talk about it back at the precinct, but I didn't want to. It was only my second day back, so it wasn't a big deal. Until the next time."

"You froze again?" Burke's concern made it seem like he thought there was something more to it.

"No, not like that first time. I was nervous…okay, maybe a little scared, but Castle had my back. He talked me down. Got me through it to take the guy down."

She paused, her brow furrowed, thinking.

"He told me the wall wouldn't be there forever, that we'd figure it out. That's when I realized I needed to come clean about remembering. But I can't tell him yet, I just got him back as a partner and friend…"

Dr. Burke interrupted.

"You will have to tell him soon, Kate. Something like that has the potential to blow up in your face."

"No, I need things to get back to normal," she said stubbornly. "I'm still healing physically, and I have a long way to go for that."

"Don't make it too long, Kate."

She smiled at him.

"Thanks, Doctor. It was good to talk about it with someone. Are you going to revoke the eval?

"No. I don't think it'll be necessary. You came back of your own accord to admit to the lie. I am concerned, however about your freezing during a takedown. It could be PTSD beginning to manifest."

Kate looked stricken for half a second, then laughed.

"No, I'm fine. Dr. Burke, it was just that it was the first case I was on after coming back. I admit I was a little scared…"

"Because you'd been shot, Kate."

"Because I'd been off work for three months," she retorted. I'm fine, Doctor. Thanks for the listen."

"Kate, I'd like to set up another appointment."

"I'll call you if I need to. Promise."

And with that, Kate walked out of the office, leaving Dr. Burke sitting in his chair, a concerned look on his face. He walked out to the waiting room to speak to his receptionist.

"Annette…"

"Yes, Dr. Burke?"

He looked at the closed waiting room door.

"Please put Detective Kate Beckett into the appointment book."

"Certainly," Annette pulled up the appointment calendar on her computer. "Date and time?"

"No, there's no set time. Just put her name in. Whenever she calls, make sure I'm clear. It'll probably be some time before she calls, but I'm positive she will."

Annette looked a little confused, but complied.

"All right, Doctor; Detective Kate Beckett has a standing appointment for whenever she calls."

"Thank you, Annette," he looked at his watch. "I'm going to go get some lunch. I'll be back in time for my next appointment. Take your lunch now, too."

Annette smiled at him as he walked out of the office, a thoughtful look on his face. This Detective Beckett certainly had made an impression on him. She wondered what the story was there.

 _'_ _Not your concern,'_ she thought as she pulled a sandwich out of her bag.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kate came back two months later.

 _A/N: I'd really love to hear what you think!_


	2. Chapter 2- Killshot

_A/N: This was originally going to be a oneshot, but I had several people request more. I thought about it and then started getting ideas. There will probably end up being around 3 more chapters. Not all of them will be episodes that Dr. Burke appears in. I hope you enjoy this installment._

 **Chapter 2 – Killshot**

 _"No! You don't understand! I need to be okay."_

 _"_ _It's not always a choice, Kate. What you're describing – hyper vigilance – is a classic symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder."_

 _"_ _I don't have PTSD."_

 _"_ _You were shot. By a sniper. I think it's fair to say that this case is going to bring up issues. Issues you still haven't dealt with."_

 _"_ _Okay, then fine! I'll deal with them. Right now, I need to figure out how to make this stop."_

 _"_ _It's not going to stop. Not without time and treatment. The psychological trauma is every bit as real as the physical trauma."_

 _"_ _Listen, people are dying out there. I don't have time to get all weepy over a couple of scars."_

 _"_ _Okay. So what's the alternative? Walking around feeling like you have crosshairs on your back? Thinking every glint off a window is a sniper's scope?"_

 _"_ _Look, there's got to be a pill out there or something, right? Something to take the edge off?"_

 _"_ _Medication can help. But not right away."_

 _"_ _Well then, what?"_

 _"_ _Well, for one, I think you should consider stepping away from the case."_

 _"_ _You don't think I can handle this?"_

 _"_ _I'm saying you don't have to. You're not the only cop in the city, Kate."_

 _"_ _Okay. Then you know what? I'm fine. Thank you."_

She's back. A little less angry, a lot less tough. Although, Annette mused, when she was here two days ago she wore that toughness like a suit of armor. And now the armor had been stripped away, leaving her completely vulnerable.

"Hello, Detective Beckett," the receptionist said warmly.

"Hi, Annette. How are things?"

"Well, thank you. And you?"

Beckett just smiled wanly.

Annette nodded.

"I'll let Dr. Burke know you're here."

She picked up the phone.

"Thanks, Annette."

Sitting on one of the uncomfortable chairs in the waiting room, Kate picked up a magazine and idly flipped through it, not really seeing anything on the pages. She'd thought long and hard last night about what she wanted to discuss with Dr. Burke today and although nervous about what it might entail, she knew she needed this.

"Kate."

Kate jumped at the doctor's deep voice. But it wasn't panic – oh no. She was just lost in thought – that was it – she was too deep in the magazine – she wasn't expecting... Oh jeez, who was she kidding?

"Hi Doctor," she said nervously, hoping he didn't hear it.

His eyes bored into her and she knew that of course he had, but he didn't say anything about it. He just turned back to his office and she followed.

Dr. Burke sat down, but Kate remained standing for a moment, still jittery. Great. The third grader in the principal's office was back.

The doctor raised his eyebrows and Kate finally sat.

"What's on your mind today, Kate?"

Holding her hands tightly together, Kate began.

"First, I want to apologize for a couple of days ago." She looked up at him, but he remained silent.

"You were right, I'm not okay. I did a little reading up on PTSD…"

She stopped, looking stricken, and put her head in her hands.

"Oh, God, I'm such a train wreck."

"I know it's difficult to ask for help," said Dr. Burke, "but you're here. That's the first – and often hardest – step."

Kate straightened up, and looked at the doctor.

"So, Kate…what's on your mind?"

She took a deep breath; and dove in.

 **xxxxxxxxxxx**

Over the next hour and a half, with Kate doing most of the talking, they discussed the difficult case. From nearly having a panic attack walking into the precinct when Castle and Esposito came charging at her – didn't matter if they really did or not, it felt like it to her – to going after a suspect in interrogation a little too hard. Then Burke noticed something.

"Kate."

She was looking down at her wrist, fiddling with the bandage there. She looked up.

"Yes?"

"I'd like to talk about the bandage on your wrist."

Kate sighed.

"I thought you might."

"Kate, this is serious. If you're harming yourself…"

"No, Dr. Burke!" she interrupted. "That's not it at all. I see why you think it could be, but it's not."

"What happened?

Kate was silent a moment, gathering her thoughts.

"Ryan found the building where our first victim was shot. Castle, Esposito and I met him there to search the place. We found some evidence that later turned out to be instrumental in solving the case, but I kind of dismissed its importance. I looked at it as the sniper laughing at us."

She paused and asked, "Could I have a drink of water?"

Dr. Burke nodded, recognizing that Kate needed a minute to gather herself. He stood and opened a small refrigerator and took out a bottle of water.

He handed it to her, then sat again.

"When you're ready, Kate."

Kate nodded, taking a healthy sip and placing the bottle on the small table to her right.

"It's not just the panic. There's been no headway in my shooting. Captain Gates won't let me look into it, and I guess I understand why, but it's frustrating. All the leads have dried up. And I'm pissed off about it. So, when I got home that night I decided to forget. I just wanted to be blank. Where I could just not feel. Unfortunately, it didn't work."

"You were drinking?"

"Yeah. I polished off an entire bottle of Jack. And not only did it not make it better, it made it worse. I started hearing things. Probably just neighbors, but I freaked out. I thought someone was in the apartment coming to get me so I tried to hide. In the process, I broke the glass I was drinking from when I went for my gun. I cut my wrist on that."

"Why didn't you call anyone?" asked Burke. "Mr. Castle, maybe?"

"I didn't think of it," she replied. "And honestly, it's just as well. I probably would have shot him through the door when he knocked. I was that far gone. I do remember vaguely getting up and going to get a towel to put pressure on my wrist, and I put a makeshift bandage on it, but I must have passed out after that. I did bandage it better the next morning."

"Have you seen a doctor about it?"

"No, I didn't want them to think I had done it on purpose. I did have our ME Lanie look at it later, and she got mad at me for not getting it checked out sooner, but she said it was clean and didn't need stitches."

Dr. Burke nodded, and made a note on his pad.

Kate continued.

"The next day…was awful. I had a hell of a hangover, and that was the least of it. The sniper struck again, and I had a meltdown at the crime scene."

"Tell me about the meltdown."

She did, explaining how Castle had called after her, but didn't follow; something she would be forever grateful for, then continued with Esposito showing her the rifle that shot her, her testing out why the sniper shot from where he did, to finding out the suspect's name, to finally catching up to him, to Esposito shooting him.

 **xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

 _"_ _So, how do you feel now that Lee Travis is dead?"_

 _"_ _I thought that taking him down would resolve things, but it's still there."_

 _"_ _Because you haven't fully dealt with what happened to you."_

 _"_ _No… I felt it before the shooting. I think it's always been there, deep inside since that night."_

 _"_ _The night your mom was killed."_

 _"_ _Mnhmm. I've let it define me, drive me. It's made me who I am, but now…"_

 _"_ _But now?"_

 _"_ _I wanna be more than who I am, but I don't know if I know how to do that without letting my mom down."_

 _"_ _She's dead, Kate. You can't let her down. The only person you can let down is yourself. Her death is a part of you and you're going to have to make peace with that, just like you're going to have to make peace with the scars of your shooting. But it doesn't have to limit you."_

 _"_ _How am I supposed to let go?"_

 _"_ _I can help you. But the question is…are you ready?"_

 _"_ _Yeah, I think I am."_

 **xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

 _A/N 2: This one was difficult to write. I had one scene close to done, but I really didn't want to completely recap the episode. But there are so many great scenes to choose from in this episode! I decided to go with Kate's freak out in her apartment, because I think Dr. Burke would have seen the bandage and been concerned about possible self-harm._

 _I'd love to hear what you think!_


	3. Chapter 3 - Til Death Do Us Part

_A/N: Even though Dr. Burke doesn't appear in this episode, I wanted to write it because the original airdate was January 9, 2012. I didn't realize it at the time, but someone mentioned it on a fansite a while ago, and I thought it would be an interesting premise for a fic, even though it wasn't mentioned on the show itself. I hope you enjoy!_

 **Til Death Do Us Part**

Was she being stupid about this? Was she being just plain stupid?

Kate had made the appointment with Dr. Burke last week when she'd gotten the invitation. But now it seemed so…she couldn't think of the word…petty, maybe.

Not that it was petty that she was going to see a shrink; she _wanted_ to be better.

No.

It was the date on the invite. January 9th.

Kevin. A partner, a friend.

Getting married on the anniversary of her mother's death.

Kate sighed as she opened the door to Dr. Burke's office.

After signing in and making a little small talk with Annette, Kate once again sat in the waiting room.

She didn't peruse the magazines any more. Even though the office was quiet, Kate was always so distracted by her thoughts that there was no point in even trying to read.

So she sat until the door opened.

"Kate," Dr. Burke interrupted her mile a minute thoughts. "Come on back."

She walked into the room and sat, clasping her hands together.

"What have you been thinking about today, Kate?"

She didn't look up, her eyes trained on her hands.

"I'm trying to decide if I'm a horrible person or something else."

"How do you mean?" asked the psychiatrist.

"January 9th, 1999. The worst thing that could ever happen – did."

"Your mother's murder."

Kate nodded.

"My mother's murder."

"The anniversary is coming up soon."

"Yes, but that's not really why I'm here…Well it is…but it isn't. Does that make sense?"

Dr. Burke looked at Kate's earnest face.

"So," he said. "Why are you here?"

Kate ran her fingers through her hair.

"One of my partners, Kevin, is getting married."

"On the ninth?"

"Yeah, on the ninth."

"Does he know about your mother?"

She looked up at him.

"About her murder? Yes, though I don't know that he knows the exact date. Jenny, his fiancée, certainly doesn't. And I'm not about to tell either one of them and ruin their wedding day."

"So how does that make you a horrible person?"

Kate looked back down at her hands. For some reason she was having trouble looking Dr. Burke in the eye.

"I'm seriously considering not going to the wedding. I just don't know how to tell him. The three of us – four, if you count Castle – are extremely close. And have been for years."

"Why 'if you count Castle'?" asked Burke.

Kate smiled.

"He's not a cop," she replied. "And I've known Ryan and Esposito much longer than I've known Castle, they're the brothers I never had growing up."

Burke nodded.

"If a friend was in this situation and you weren't, what advice would you give?"

She looked up, a little startled. She barked a short laugh.

"Wow," she said, shaking her head. "I don't even know how to answer that. I mean, I AM in this situation, I don't know how to separate it. Even for a hypothetical question."

"Since you've started coming to see me regularly, you've made some great strides. You're much more open with me, and I believe you're becoming more open with yourself. Let me ask you this. Do you want to go to your partner's wedding?"

Kate didn't hesitate.

"Yes. I do. Kevin's been there for me when I've needed someone. And the camaraderie extends outside the precinct. With Javier as well. I've only met Jenny a few times, but I can see how much she and Kevin are in it together. I'd love to see them make that commitment to each other."

She frowned.

"But at the same time, that's also the reason I'm thinking of not going. I don't want to rain on their parade."

"What do you usually do on your mother's anniversary? Do you spend it with your father?"

Kate rolled her eyes.

"You'd think," her voice wavered. "But no."

Burke raised an eyebrow.

"Why is that?"

"It's still a little difficult for us to reminisce," she explained. "It seems like we had one day – the day of the funeral – where we were able to find…I don't know…some kind of peace with each other."

"How did you manage that?" asked Burke.

"By leaving the luncheon after the funeral and going out to Coney Island."

Kate smiled at the memory.

"We walked the beach for hours. Throwing rocks in the ocean, picking up shells and driftwood. We even made a little man out of rocks and sticks we found. I still have him."

"What happened afterward?"

Kate sighed. This is why she was coming to see a shrink, right? Healing. No matter how much it hurt.

"He moved into a bottle," she said matter-of-factly. "God, I don't know how many times I got called to pick him up from some bar. I had to be the parent for awhile. Not something you're expecting when you're 19-20 years old."

"How did you cope?"

"Well, I had been at Stanford University. I tried going back after but…" she paused, then continued.

"My friends meant well, you know? There's no doubt in my mind that they did. "But it got to be too much very quickly. All the 'I'm so sorry for your loss, and 'if there's anything I can do' got really old. 'Bring my mom back, would you?' I also felt like I'd abandoned my dad."

"You don't feel you were the cause of his alcoholism, do you?" asked Burke.

"Oh, God, wouldn't that be a whole other set of neuroses!" Kate exclaimed. "No. It is true that he didn't really start drinking until after I left, but I always felt he wanted to protect me from it. To drown himself, but keep it hidden from me. No, it was because it was just the two of us now. There's some extended family, but it kind of was the same as my friends. It was MY mother who was murdered. It was HIS wife. 'You don't understand and you never will'. I realize now that that was unfair, especially with my aunt and cousin, but…both my dad and I alienated a lot of people."

She sat for a few minutes, just thinking.

"When I moved back, I enrolled in NYU, changing my major from law to criminal justice. I tried to keep to myself mostly, but I partied. I think I was trying to kill the pain just like Dad was. And we kept on for a couple of years like that, until the summer between junior and senior year."

"What happened at that time?" asked Burke.

"Dad got into a couple of bar fights. He was hit with a bottle, 10 stitches above his eye. He apparently broke a chair over a guy's head, giving him a concussion. I bailed him out of jail more than once. I couldn't take it anymore. The last time I went to the station I told him no. If he wanted to kill himself he was welcome to. If he wanted to dry out that was even better, but I was burned out. I walked out of that precinct and didn't look back. I got on a plane and studied Russian literature for a semester in Kiev. I feel like a horrible person for saying that, but I came back refreshed and if not completely ready to move on with life, at least in a much better place, and my dad was in rehab. It wasn't all rainbows and unicorns, but it was better."

Dr. Burke nodded.

"Which brings me back to the question. What do you do on your mother's anniversary?"

"It's the one day off I always take. I go out for breakfast at her favorite diner, I visit her grave, I go home and order her favorite takeout and watch her favorite movie. I also cry all day."

'And your father?"

"Well, like I said, it's still hard to reminisce. And the part I said about it not being rainbows and unicorns? Yeah…After I came back from Ukraine, he didn't want to see me. I'd thought it was because he was trying to get himself clean – and he was – but he also felt like I'd abandoned him. And I did, but I can't be sorry, because it woke him up to the fact that he needed help, and he needed to do it himself. But it took some time before we really forgave each other."

Another pause from Kate. She was familiar enough with the office and Dr. Burke that she felt comfortable enough to stand and walk to the small refrigerator, taking out a bottle of water.

Walking back to her seat, she continued.

"He's terrified of falling off the wagon. He usually takes his sponsor up to his cabin upstate to go fishing for a few days, but he's also checked himself into rehab a couple of times, just to remove all temptations to drink. He says it's getting easier to hold back the urge, but it'll always be there."

"You mentioned a figure made of rocks and sticks," cut in Dr. Burke.

Kate nodded.

"Why did you keep it?

He's a reminder," she said. "Even though we'd just come from my mother's funeral, we were happy walking along that beach. We were laughing, talking, remembering without the pain. Even on the worst day – and that certainly was the worst day of our lives – there was joy."

"I think that's your answer, Kate."

She frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"Your friend's wedding. You say you found joy on the worst day. You could do it again. It wouldn't dishonor your mother, in fact, whether you tell anyone about it or not, you could honor her by finding the joy on that day again."

Kate sat, her mouth open. That had not occurred to her.

Think about it, Kate," he said. "It's not set in stone whether you go, but I believe that it could help you in the long run. Now, I'm afraid that's our hour."

They stood.

"Thank you Dr. Burke," Kate shook his hand. "I'll definitely think about it."

She left the office, waved goodbye to Annette and walked to her car. She didn't have to think about it. Her heart was already lighter. She knew she'd still cry on the ninth, but she wanted to find that joy again.

She was going to the wedding.

 _A/N: So, what did you think?_


	4. Chapter 4 - Eye Of The Beholder

_A/N: I know that this episode actually aired before "Killshot", but I had completely forgotten about Kate going to see Dr. Burke. (I know, bad Castle fan! Let's just pretend it aired later, okay?;) ) Watching the episode, I did want to write it and see if I could get Kate to recognize that she was jealous, even if she didn't actually say the word aloud. I hope I succeeded, I'm not sure I did._

 _This chapter is for #CastleFanficMonday_

 _Enjoy!_

 **Chapter 4 – Eye Of The Beholder**

Kate stormed into the waiting room, surprising Annette as she slammed the door.

"Detective Beckett, is everything all right?"

Kate stopped in her tracks and took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, Annette, that was out of line."

Looking around at the empty room, she said sheepishly, "I'm glad no one else is here."

Annette grinned.

"Rotten day?"

The dark laugh answered the question before Kate spoke.

"Something like that. Is there any way I can get in soon?"

"Are you good to wait ten minutes? Dr. Burke stepped out for a moment."

Kate sighed.

"Yeah, I'm good. It'll give me a chance to calm down a little."

She laughed ruefully.

"Again, I'm sorry Annette."

"Don't worry about it, Kate," Annette replied. "You're not the first to come tearing in here like that, and I really doubt you'll be the last."

 **XXXXXX**

True to Annette's word, ten minutes later Dr. Burke walked into the waiting room. If he was surprised to see Kate jump up at seeing him, he didn't let on.

"Kate, come on back."

He turned and walked to his office, Kate following.

As Dr. Burke sat he raised his eyebrows when Kate began to pace.

She noticed, but ignored his look, and continued to wear a path in the carpet.

"Kate," he began.

Suddenly, she stopped cold.

"There's a new 'Consultant' on my case," she said sarcastically. "And you know what Gates said?"

There was no room for the doctor to get a word in.

"She called her a 'value add'! I mean I know she doesn't like Castle being there, but he's helped make my team the best in the precinct."

She paused in her pacing, pinched the bridge of her nose and whispered, "Castle."

"This consultant is a woman?" asked Burke.

 _"She's an uncooperative, cocky, stubborn, know it all."_

 _"But she is good at her job?"_

 _"Well, Castle seems to think so."_

 _"And that bothers you?"_

 _"Yes, of course, it bothers me."_

 _"Why?"_

 _"Because he's supposed to be…"_

 _She sat on the arm of the chair._

 _"Be what?"_

 _"My partner! I mean, he's supposed to be on my team. He's not supposed to be all smitten."_

"Smitten?" queried Burke. "Why do you think he's smitten with this consultant?"

Kate rubbed her hands over her face.

"Just start at the beginning, Kate."

"Okay."

She told Dr. Burke about the murder and robbery at the art museum, and how Serena Kaye horned her way into the investigation.

"Castle and I have this thing we do. We put together a story of how things happened. Like how did the guy get in – and out – of the building with no one seeing him, or if he knew the victim, or did the victim get in the way of the robbery."

She smiled.

"We get on a roll sometimes. Ryan and Esposito tease us about it. It doesn't always pan out like we said, but it's a place to start."

"What happened this time? Were you and Mr. Castle doing this when Ms. Kaye 'horned her way in' as you put it?"

"We were just getting going. I said something about the killer gaining access through the party, and then here comes this blonde wearing a slinky blue cocktail dress rolling right over us. And Castle ate it up."

"And did what she say make sense to the story?"

Kate grudgingly nodded.

"I didn't want to see it. Climbing through the air vent to get in just seemed so cliché, and I admit it, the way she steamrolled into the room just plain annoyed me. But Castle thought she had a point about how the guy got of the gallery, so I called Ryan to have him check it out."

She looked at her hands.

"Serena turned out to be right on both counts. And then she goes off to talk to some 'they won't talk to cops' contacts she has, and Castle immediately goes off with her."

"And this is a problem?" asked Burke.

"Yes it's a problem! He's supposed to be building theory with me. He's supposed to be on my team. Not traipsing around the city with some blonde bimbo."

Dr. Burke looked at Kate shrewdly.

"Have you told Mr. Castle this?"

"He knows I don't like her, how could he not? I admit, I've been a bit antagonistic toward her."

"I mean about his following Ms. Kaye."

"No."

"If you don't want him to go off with her why haven't you said so? He can't read your mind, Kate."

"It's complicated."

 _"Why is it complicated?"_

 _"You know why it's complicated."_

 _"Only what you've told me. Kate, what are you really scared of? That he won't wait for you or that he will?"_

Kate was speechless for a moment, as she slid off the arm of the chair and in to the seat.

 **XXXXXX**

Several days later, after the case was finished, Kate was back in that chair.

"So, yeah, everything worked out. We solved the murder and Serena collected her finder's fee."

"And Mr. Castle?" asked the doctor. "Any more 'dates'?"

Kate blushed.

"Not unless you count the burger I bought for him after we closed the case."

"Do you count that as a date?"

"No!" exclaimed Kate, a little too vehemently. "Just partners going out after work."

"But nothing with Ms. Kaye?"

"No, she's gone."

Dr. Burke noted some smugness in Kate's voice.

"Now that the case is over, have you talked to Mr. Castle about why you were so antagonistic toward Ms. Kaye?"

"No. And he hasn't asked."

"Why haven't you offered an explanation without him asking?"

"I just feel that once we start that conversation we won't stop."

Dr. Burke raised his eyebrows.

"Would that be a bad thing?"

"I don't want to scare him away."

"Have you told him you remember your shooting?"

"No."

The word was quiet, almost ashamed.

"Kate. What are you waiting for?"

"I want to be where I want to be," she said, sniffing back tears. "It's not the right time."

"There is no right time, Kate. This is something that needs to come out soon. It will explode."

"I'm not ready," she whispered.

"Then let's get you ready."

 _A/N: Did anyone catch the reference to "Tick, Tick, Tick"? :)_

 _What did you think?_


	5. Chapter 5 - Headhunters

**Chapter 5 – Headhunters**

It had been some time since Kate had been in to see Dr. Burke. She had canceled her appointment last week abruptly with no explanation. While not completely out of character with what he knew of her through their sessions, it did surprise him a little. She'd been working so hard to fix herself, it was odd to be cut off so cleanly.

"Has Detective Beckett returned your call, Annette?" asked Burke.

"I'm sorry, Doctor," she answered. "I haven't heard from her. Should I call again?"

"No. Either it's a case or something happened that she wants to think about before talking to me."

 _'_ _At least I hope that's all it is,'_ he thought.

"I'll give it a day or two before trying again. I'll let you know."

Annette nodded slightly.

"Okay, Doctor."

 **XXXXXX**

It was another two weeks before Annette was finally able to get a hold of Kate. Kate's explanation of being too busy to come in rang a little false, even to the receptionist, but Annette let it slide.

"I can come in next Monday," Kate told Annette quietly. "Just wrapping up a case."

"That's fine, Detective," replied Annette. "We'll see you Monday."

 **XXXXXX**

When Kate walked into the office, Annette had gone to lunch. It was just as well, small talk did not appeal today. So she stalked around the waiting room instead.

Ten minutes later, Dr. Burke came out of his office chatting with another patient. Kate halted her pacing while the doctor finished up.

"It looks like Annette is still out. I'll have her give you a call to set up another appointment."

"Sounds good, Doc," the man said. "See you later."

They shook hands and the man left.

Turning to her Burke said, "Kate. It's good to see you again. Come on back."

 _"_ _Is it?"_ she thought, following him to his office. The one person who she wanted to be happy to see her isn't anymore, so why should anyone be?

"It's been awhile, Kate," Dr. Burke mentioned as they both sat.

"Yeah," she replied. "It's been a rough few cases."

"Is that what you want to discuss today?"

"No, not really," she hesitated, not quite sure where to begin. Then she said, "It's Castle. It's like he's running away from me. I don't understand it."

"This is sudden?"

"Yes. He's…" She broke off, standing again and pacing around the office.

 _"_ _You're upset."_

 _"_ _No! Yes, okay? Fine. Yes. I thought the two of us were actually getting closer together and now it seems like he's just pulling away."_

 _"_ _Have you asked him why?"_

 _"_ _Yes. And he said 'Oh, everything's fine'"_

 _"_ _What made you think it isn't?"_

 _"_ _Because he's acting like a complete jackass! He shows up at the precinct with these bimbos hanging on his arm and now he's running around with another cop!"_

 _"_ _Is this other cop a woman?"_

 _"_ _No! No. What? Why would you even ask that? That's not even the point. The point is, I don't understand why he's acting like this. I mean, what did I do?"_

 _"_ _Well, maybe from his point of view, the question is what didn't you do?"_

 _"_ _Wait, what? What – what do you mean?"_

 _"_ _When you were shot, Castle said that he loved you. How long ago was that?"_

 _"_ _Seven months ago, but I wasn't ready to hear that then."_

 _"_ _What do you think he's telling you with his behavior?"_

 _"_ _That… maybe… he's not there anymore? That maybe he's not ready?"_

She looked at Dr. Burke, devastated.

 _"_ _What if I waited too long?"_

 _"_ _You weren't waiting, Kate. You were healing."_

 _"_ _Yeah, but then in the meantime, he's moved on."_

 _"_ _Or he's protecting himself by not taking more emotional risks."_

 _"_ _So then what do I do?"_

 _"_ _What do you want to do?"_

Kate looked at the doctor a moment.

"I want to know what's going on. I… I want to let him in, but I don't know how."

"How did you learn to be so closed off?"

She sank back down into the chair.

"This isn't actually my first foray into therapy, and I'm not counting the psych eval."

"Oh?"

"Yeah," Kate looked down at her hands. "I was still in uniform. I'd been caught a few times down in Records looking at my mother's case file. I was positive the cops working on it had missed something, that there was no way this was gang related."

She stood again, striding around the room as if she was trying to escape.

"Is that when you went to therapy the first time?" asked Dr. Burke.

"No. But it was the ultimate reason why I made that first appointment. I went to Records one last time." She huffed. "I took pictures of the entire file so I wouldn't get reprimanded again for going down there when I wasn't supposed to. I kept reading that file until I practically memorized it. And still nothing jumped out at me."

"So then what did you do?"

Kate grimaced.

"Kept on until it started to interfere with work. I wasn't sleeping – barely eating – and one day I fell asleep in the locker room when I was supposed to be getting ready for my shift. That was when I realized I needed some help to get past her death. To get past this driving need for – justice? Revenge? I wasn't sure what I was looking for anymore."

"How long did you go?" he asked.

"A year," Kate answered. "A year before I finally realized it was going to destroy me if I didn't stop. My heart was still saying I was in it for justice, but my brain admitted I was in it for revenge."

"What else did you learn from therapy?"

"Don't let go. Keep a tight rein on my emotions. Don't let anyone in. Keep it all inside. Build that wall, anything to keep from going down the rabbit hole again."

Burke raised his eyebrows at that.

Kate continued. "Whether it was what the doctor had intended me to learn or not, that's what I took from therapy that first time. To close myself off before I hurt myself or someone else. But now I want to let go. I want to let someone in. And I can't…" she paused. "I... don't even know what I'm saying. I'm scared. Scared of losing myself in my mom's case again, scared of losing Castle and of the two – losing Castle is the worst. But he's running away and I don't know what's going on. Why is he doing this? What did I do? I don't get it."

Kate looked at Dr. Burke as if he really had all the answers.

"And you have asked him?" he inquired.

"I've tried," she whispered, her voice breaking. "But he won't. He always leaves – as fast as he can get away from me."

He gave her a hard look.

"Kate," he said. "Could this be the 'explosion' I warned you about several weeks ago?"

"Oh, God, don't say explosion," said Kate vehemently. "I caught the bombing case at the protest. I still have nightmares."

"You know what I mean, Kate."

"Has he figured out I lied about remembering what he said? I don't see how. But it might be an explanation of why he's acting the way he is."

"While it would, of course, be best if the question came from you, is there anyone you would trust to ask him for you?"

Kate just stared at him.

"No. You're the only one who knows what he said to me when I was shot. I haven't told anyone but you. Not my dad, not Lanie… not Josh – though he probably suspects Castle is the reason we broke up. Just… no. There's no one I would ask to do that. I wouldn't put that on anyone else but me."

"Then why haven't you? And don't say you're not ready, Kate," Burke said. "It has to come out."

"Even if I lose him completely?" Kate asked. "He's already halfway out the door."

"Even then. He needs to know, Kate."

Kate bowed her head, acquiescing.

"If I can get him to listen to me without running away, I'll tell him. Soon, I promise."

 _A/N: Sorry this has taken so long to update! I was trying to decide if I wanted to do a chapter on "47 Seconds" or "The Limey", but it made more sense to me that Kate would want to think about what Castle was feeling and trying to fix it herself before going to see Dr. Burke. Besides, I've already done a "47 Seconds" AU (_ _ **Confessions on an Elevator**_ _, shameless promotion!) and I didn't want that to color what I'm trying to do here in sticking with canon._

 _What did you think?_


	6. Chapter 6 - Undead Again

**Undead Again**

 _A/N: This chapter is for #CastleFanficMonday. I hope you enjoy!_

"You were right."

Kate walked into the office, not waiting for a greeting.

"Right about what? Dr. Burke asked, as he collected his notebook from his desk.

"He knows. Castle, I mean. I don't know how, but he knows I remember what happened after I was shot."

"What happened? I take it you still haven't told him," he chastised gently. "How did you discover he knows?"

"Just from little things he's said. He didn't out and out say that he knew, but reading between the lines, it's obvious to me." She slumped into the chair. "That's how we always seem to talk to each other. Between the lines. We never can just spit it out. I don't know if that's my fault, or his, or nobody's.

"So, what gave you the idea that he knows about the 'I love you'?

Kate leaned back in the chair.

"I've been wracking my brain since our last session, and I think I've come up with a couple of possibilities."

She was quiet a moment, teeth digging into her bottom lip.

"Kate?"

She looked up at him.

"Remember last time, when you asked if Castle's behavior was the 'explosion' of his finding out?"

Dr. Burke nodded.

"Yes."

"And I said that I'd caught the bombing case…"

"Right… Kate, where are you going with this?" asked Dr. Burke.

Kate looked a little confused as she was thinking.

"I think that's where it started. His running, his bimbos, his snarky remarks. Somehow it began with the bombing."

"How did it all begin?"

"You know, even saying that it was the bombing case, I'm not sure what the catalyst was," she ran her hand through her hair. "I'd been in interrogation, and apparently he was there, in observation, but when I came out… he was gone."

"Where did he go?"

"To clear his head. At least that's what he said when he came back." She blinked back tears. "But then he just was looking at me, not – not a dirty look, but like he wasn't thrilled to see me. And then it just got worse. I didn't know what was going on, which is why I didn't come here for those few weeks. It culminated with the case last week."

Dr. Burke interrupted.

"When Castle was following another cop?"

Kate nodded.

"He asked for my help at the end of that case. At first I let him believe that I didn't want to – give him a taste of his own medicine, 'you ignore me, I'll ignore you' – twelve year old stuff, really"

"At first?" asked Burke.

Her lips quirked upward.

I'd already had Ryan run traffic cams for the time period we needed. It wasn't proof of what we were looking for, but it was a start."

Dr. Burke broke in again.

"So, you had his back even when in your mind he didn't deserve it? That was where the twelve year old attitude came in?"

"Something like that," she said, then went on. "Castle and I went to the crime scene to run theory. It wasn't quite like we've done it in the past…we still aren't on the same page, but I guess you could say a tiny spark of the old 'us' was there."

"Wait a moment, Kate," said Burke. "You went to the crime scene? Didn't you say this wasn't your case?"

Kate stood. She looked lost for a moment, like she didn't know why she was standing. She sat back down.

"It figures you would catch that. Yes, I interfered with another cop's case. But this guy… I'd rather not say his name, though I know he's been reported before. He's – well, to call him a loose cannon is an understatement."

Dr. Burke wrote something in his notebook.

"Did he report you?"

"He threatened to, but didn't when Castle and I figured out who had actually done the murder. I was a little surprised he didn't do it anyway, though I was glad he didn't."

"Did you do anything with him after the case was finished?" asked the doctor. "Go out for drinks, or a burger?"

Kate sighed.

"No, I asked him if he wanted to, but he said he needed to get home."

She looked at her hands, clasped together tightly like she thought they would fly off her arms.

"He was still running away from me."

"He _was_ running?"

Kate huffed a small laugh.

"Which brings us to the next case." She shook her head. "Now, I like the weird ones, but this one took the cake."

"How so?"

"Zombies."

Burke looked nonplussed.

"Come again?"

She grinned.

"Yep. The walking dead."

The smile faded.

"Castle declined the call."

"That seems odd," said Burke. "From what you've told me, it sounds like zombies would be right up Castle's alley."

"That's what I thought," she replied. "And he did come in, but he was acting really strange. Like he was saying goodbye."

"How so?"

"He said 'I'll treasure these moments we've shared', to the ME, he seemed disappointed when it was looking like the case was going to be mundane – by his standards. He said he wanted this one to be special."

"Zombies suggest that it did become special," said Burke.

"Yeah, and it became that way pretty quickly after he said that. Our suspect had barricaded himself in his apartment. Not because he didn't want to be caught, but because he wanted to protect others when he 'turned'."

"Turned?"

"Into a zombie."

As Kate explained the case to Dr. Burke, she thought about how ridiculous the whole thing sounded, and how much the doctor looked like he thought he was being punked.

"Doctor, I'm telling you, this was my case."

Burke just shook his head.

"Well," he said. "I'm not entirely sure what to make of that one." He smiled. "But I'd like to bring it back around to what you said to me when you first came in."

Kate had to think back on what she'd said.

"I do tend to go off on a tangent, don't I?" she laughed a little.

"Sometimes that's what it takes to get you to the point you need to be," he replied. "What did Castle say or do to make you think he knows you remember the shooting?"

"We were at the hospital, having just finished interviewing our 'zombie', when I asked him if he thought Kyle remembered what happened."

She hugged herself.

"What did he reply?" Dr. Burke urged her on.

"When a life altering moment occurs, people remember."

Her arms tightened around her waist.

"The way he looked at me as he said it…" she broke off. "…I knew."

"Speaking between the lines," Dr. Burke mused. "Did you say anything? Whether it was in subtext or declarative?"

"Subtext," she said quickly. "Always subtext with us. Still ostensibly talking about Kyle, I said that maybe it was too big to deal with. That he probably couldn't face what he'd done yet."

"And he knew you were actually speaking of yourself?"

"Oh, yes. He asked if I thought Kyle would ever be ready to deal with what happened, and..."

She took a deep breath.

"He tamped down the anger, but there was an edge to his voice; like he wanted to break out into real conversation about us, but he was still – I don't know –"

"Following your lead?"

"Yes!" Kate exclaimed. "And while he wasn't too happy about it, he seemed to accept my answer of feeling safe enough to let it all out. And that seemed to…not do the trick, we were still tiptoeing around each other, but it was less like we were walking on eggshells. It seemed to start getting better."

"So, what caused the zombie-like behavior of your suspect?" Burke asked.

"Scopolamine."

"Ah. I've read studies on that drug's effects."

"Kyle had no idea what he'd done, and was horrified when he was told. He cooperated with our investigation, and the DA dismissed the charges against him." She smiled sadly. "He's given up zombie walking. He gave his suit to Castle."

"It sounds like he's got a long road ahead of him to get past this."

"Yeah. Castle and I were talking about it and I just…"

"Just what, Kate?"

"IkindatoldhimIwasintherapy," she said in a rush.

"Good for you, Kate," said Burke. "Between the lines or spitting it out?"

"A little bit of both? It wasn't planned, Castle mentioned that Kyle would need it, and I just…I said it would help him."

"What was his reaction?" asked Burke, pleased that Kate said therapy helped her.

"He was surprised."

"You'd never mentioned it before?"

"Only in relation to the psych eval before coming back to work."

"Why not? There's no shame."

Kate leaned forward.

"No, of course I'm not ashamed of being here, but like I told Castle, I just wanted to put in the work to get better. Not paint a 'woe is me' picture of trying to fix myself."

Dr. Burke motioned her to go on.

"I told him that I think I'm almost where I want to be now, and he was a little wary, wanting to know where 'that' was."

"And what did you tell him?"

"In a place where I can finally accept everything that happened that day. Including what he told me. He said he understood, and I told him that my wall was coming down."

"And what was his reaction to that?"

Kate bit her lip, then smiled slightly.

"He'd like to be there when it does finally completely fall, and I told him I wanted him there too."

"But you're not there yet, are you Kate?"

"No, I still have a ways to go. And that's okay. I think we do still need to talk about how we've hurt each other, and I still don't quite know how to do that."

"Spit it out, so to speak?" aske Burke.

"Exactly. But Castle and I are in a much better place, and that's enough for now."

 **xxxxxx**

 _A/N: A little quicker post this time, I had to get it out for CastleFanficMonday. The hiatus is almost over! (flails) This was difficult to get into the right place in my head. I'm not sure why, but I finally fell into it. This story is almost over; there will be one more chapter after this._


	7. Chapter 7 - AlwaysAfter The Storm

_A/N: Finally! I had a difficult time with this chapter for a few reasons. First the angst of 'XY' and 'XX'. How do I write something that ends on a happy note with Kate and Rick together, when they're apart now? Combine that with a case of writer's block and general procrastination, and you have a dry spell for a month and a half. I think I made up for it with a chapter that's twice as long as anything else I've ever written. Thank you to everyone who has read, followed, favorited and reviewed this story, especially those who suggested turning this oneshot for "Rise" into a multi-chapter encompassing Season 4. It was a challenge and an ultimately rewarding one. I hope you enjoy this final chapter!_

The telephone was ringing as Annette was unlocking the door to Dr. Burke's office.

 _"_ _Crap!"_ she thought, as her key decided to get stuck in the lock. It was 7 am. Appointments didn't begin for another two hours, who on Earth was calling now?

Finally getting into the room, Annette reached over the front desk for the phone.

"Dr. Burke's office," she said breathlessly.

"Annette?" a woman's voice asked. "It's Kate Beckett."

"Kate!" Annette exclaimed. "I just walked in. I'm not even sitting down yet. Would you mind if I called you back in about a half hour?

There was a pause, then a gasp.

"Oh, jeez, I'm sorry Annette! I didn't realize how early it was. Things have happened and I've kind of lost track of time."

"Yes, Dr. Burke has been concerned about you. We both saw the news a couple of weeks ago. Hanging off a building?"

She shook her head.

"Anyway, let me get situated and I'll call you back."

"Thanks Annette. I'm sorry about the time. See you soon."

"That's all right, Kate. I'll call in a while."

 **XXXXX**

When Kate came in two days later, Annette was struck by the surprising difference in Kate. She was lighter somehow, as if all the weight of the world she had been carrying had sloughed off and she was clean.

She was happy.

There wasn't time for small talk, however. As soon as Kate signed in, Annette's phone rang and Dr. Burke came out.

"It's good to see you Kate," he said, gesturing for her to move into the office.

Once settled, Burke said, "There's a difference in you, Kate."

She smiled and looked down. Open and shy at the same time.

"I'm happy," she whispered. "So, so happy."

Dr. Burke was a little surprised, though he didn't let on.

"You made the news," he began.

The smile faded and Burke was a little sorry to see it go.

"Yes, I did," she settled herself in the leather chair. "That was a fun conversation with my dad."

She smiled again, this time self-deprecatingly.

"I screwed up. I jumped back down the rabbit hole headfirst."

"No backup?"

"Only Espo. I almost should be proud that I had the presence of mind to bring him along."

She stopped, her eyes shadowed.

"But I'm not. I nearly got us both killed."

Kate described the case; beginning with the argument with Castle.

"I was a hypocrite, wasn't I?" she said. "After I had lied about remembering for a year, I was furious that he'd done the same thing. Castle kept information from me that might well have helped solve my mother's case."

"Why did he keep it from you?" Dr. Burke asked.

"To protect me." Kate frowned. "And that's the difference between what we were doing. Or maybe 'difference' isn't the right word."

"How do you mean?"

She blew out a breath.

"We were both protecting me." She looked up at him. "I mean, you saw how fragile I was when I first started talking to you, maybe it's stupid, but I couldn't let him see me like that."

Dr. Burke leaned forward.

"Not stupid, Kate," he said. "Human."

Kate's lips lifted slightly.

"But the thing of it is, he _was_ seeing me like that. He was seeing that fragility. Not at the very beginning, when I asked him to stay away and then I ran away to my dad's cabin. But after I came back."

"The sniper case?" Burke asked.

"For one," she replied. "But there were other cases where I was…I don't know…vulnerable, maybe?

"And you wanted to be seen as strong?"

"Of course," she said. "But I wasn't. The sniper case, the bombing case and those cases after that when I didn't understand where Castle and I stood – I was weak and I didn't want to be. And he was so mad at me at that point that I don't think he did see how broken I was."

Dr. Burke leaned back in his chair, stretching his legs.

"What changed?" he asked.

"Well, like I said last time I was here, we kind of came to a little bit of an understanding once he realized I was in therapy."

She looked down, studying her feet.

"It's been slow, walking on eggshells, but we've been coming along – coming back to the friendship we've been developing over the last year. And then… well, I'm not sure I'd call it a 'date', but we'd made plans for me to come over to his place and watch a couple of movies after his daughter's graduation. And I was thinking what that could possibly lead to."

She stopped speaking, a pensive look on her face.

"It didn't go well?" asked the doctor.

"It didn't go," replied Kate. "The case got in the way and then the rabbit hole beckoned and I couldn't stay away."

"How so?"

"Small leads," she offered. "Small leads that led to other small leads that did eventually open up bigger leads that got us to the point of finding the man who shot me."

She stopped talking and looked out the window.

"And that's when the fight with Castle happened," she continued, looking up at the doctor.

"Then what happened?" he inquired.

Kate sat, gazing out the window again, lost for a moment in thought.

"It's an addiction, you know," she admitted. "My mother's case. I've recognized it before, and I know if I can stay away from it, I'll be okay."

She picked at a loose thread on her blouse.

"It's just been so difficult to stay away from."

Dr. Burke watched as a corner of Kate's mouth turned up. He waited, curious to see where she was going.

"Like I told you before, Castle told me he loved me again. And confirmed that he did know that I'd lied about remembering. But I wasn't listening to that part. All I heard – all I _could_ hear was that he'd betrayed me."

She gave a sardonic laugh.

"I was definitely a hypocrite," she repeated.

As she paused again, Dr. Burke broke in.

"What did Castle do?" he asked.

When she looked up, her eyes were wet.

"He left. He said I could throw my life away if I wanted, but he wasn't sticking around to watch. And he walked out the door."

"What did you do then?"

"Dove right back into the case."

She explained how Ryan disagreed with the course of action she and Esposito had laid out.

"He was right, of course," she said. "But I refused to listen."

Kate then described finding Maddox's hotel and the evidence there, getting caught by Maddox and chasing him up to the roof.

"We fought. Hard."

She winced, unconsciously running her hand across her ribcage as if she could still feel the bruising. Which, Dr. Burke thought, she probably could. It hadn't been that long.

"Now, I'm physically strong," she went on, leaning forward and clasping her hands. "I work out, I spar…I know how to fight. But this guy…" she trailed off.

Burke waited her out.

"He tossed me around like a rag doll," she remembered. "It was like nothing I did could move him. I know about the physical differences between men and women, but –" she chuckled. "I think Castle would call him super human – or maybe a super villain."

She paused again.

"I don't think he meant to throw me off the side of the building, It just happened. And then he walked away. I thought he was going to step on my fingers so I'd fall, but he didn't. He'd fought me, but he didn't actually kill me, like if I had fallen, his conscience was clear. And then I…I guess I had an epiphany."

"What was the insight?" asked Burke.

"All of a sudden, all I could think about was Castle. About how I'd never admitted that I remembered his telling me he loved me. About how I'd never apologized for that. About how much I love him back and how it was looking like I would never get the chance to tell him. And how I'd finally driven him away."

She looked up at Dr. Burke.

"And then, I heard his voice."

"He came back?"

Kate sighed.

"No. He meant what he said. He was done. Call it a hallucination, hell, call it wishful thinking, but I heard his voice telling me to hang on. So I held on."

She stood and began to pace, eyes darting around the room as if looking for a place to hide.

Dr. Burke sat silently, watching her closely. Kate had never had a panic attack in his office before, but he knew the signs of one beginning. She was talking about a terrifying experience and it had been some time since they'd worked on recognizing triggers and tamping them down.

Kate halted abruptly, staring at the doctor like she didn't know him and wasn't sure where she was. Then her eyes cleared and she came back to herself.

"Are you all right, Kate?" asked Burke.

"God," she let out a breath. "That hasn't happened for awhile."

She dropped back into the chair.

"I'm sorry."

"You haven't done anything to be sorry about, Kate. What just happened? Were you back on the roof?"

She nodded.

"Yeah. It's a recurring nightmare. I mentioned that I thought Maddox was going to step on my fingers so I'd fall?"

"Yes," said Burke.

"I've dreamt about it a few times. Where he did step on me. The first time I had the dream was all the more terrifying because I woke up in a strange place. I wasn't at home."

She blushed, and Burke wondered why.

"Where were you, Kate?" he asked.

"Um…" she began. "I'll get to that? It was a good place, though."

Burke watched her thoughtfully. For just a moment the light was back in her eyes and the soft shy smile was back. He nodded and motioned for her to continue.

"But it's always happened in nightmares. It's never come back like that in the daytime. Until just now."

"It looks like you were able to bring yourself out of the panic before it really began," said Burke. "Have you been able to do that with other attacks?"

"I haven't really needed to," she replied. "I'm better now."

Dr. Burke recognized that Kate didn't want to talk about her almost attack anymore.

"So, you were on the roof and then you heard Castle's voice," he said.

"Yes."

"Then what happened?"

Kate hugged herself tightly, as if she had gotten a chill and was trying to warm herself.

"I almost fell. I did lose my hold with one arm, and I was fast losing hold with the other. Castle kept calling to me, telling me to hang on. Then my fingers slipped off."

Neither said anything for a moment. Then Kate continued.

"It happened so fast," she said, so low that Burke had to lean forward to hear her. "I started falling but then I was grabbed."

"By whom?"

"Ryan and the SWAT team. Not Castle. It confused me for a minute, because his voice had been so clear to me. But it was Kevin. And then I saw Captain Gates."

"And that wasn't a good thing?"

Kate barked a laugh.

"Oh, no. We kind of got off on the wrong foot when I came back earlier this year after my medical leave. She's very by the book…even more than I am – well – when I'm not on this case."

She was back up and pacing.

"I had told her the day I came back that I wanted to work my case, and she flat out told me no. Probably a good call on her part, but frustrating as hell for me. So I didn't say anything to her about the connection the case we were working this time had with my case, I didn't tell her about Maddox, I was totally off the books. Hell, I was acting a lot like the detective Castle was running around with a few weeks ago."

She went to grab a bottle of water out of the fridge and slumped back in the chair.

"She was on the roof with Detective Ryan, you said?"

"Yes. He told her. He didn't tell her everything, but he provided Esposito and me with the backup we thought we didn't really need. Or, as Espo said…he ratted us out."

"He wasn't happy about that?"

"No, the last I heard, Javi still wasn't speaking to Kevin."

"The last you heard?"

Kate took a deep breath and let it out.

"I'm getting to that. Anyway, as grateful as I was…as I am…to Kevin for saving us, I was still a bit confused as to what had happened."

"You mean hearing Castle when he wasn't there?"

"Exactly. Plus all the adrenaline still pounding in me, and then seeing Gates there, it was all very surreal. Then I really saw the look on Gates' face, and I knew I was in trouble."

"Trouble?"

"Oh, yeah. She gave me a glare that would melt steel, then turned and walked away without saying a word."

She took a deep pull on the water bottle before continuing.

"Kevin had called paramedics to the scene, so Javi and I were checked out. He'd been knocked out, and I had just had the crap beaten out of me, so it was probably a good idea. Neither of us wanted to go to the hospital, so we were released with instructions to rest and not do anything else stupid. Then we went to the precinct for our dressing down by Gates."

"And what did she say?"

"How we'd messed up by going without backup, we were a disgrace to the badge, and then she put us on suspension."

"And how did you feel about that?"

Much to the doctor's surprise, Kate smiled a little.

"I'd been thinking ever since we'd got the clear to leave from the paramedics. About how stupid I'd been."

She held up a hand when it looked like Dr. Burke was about to interrupt.

"Yes, stupid. I know I was healing. I know I wasn't ready – or thought I wasn't ready. The truth is, I was scared. I've always had relationships where I kept one foot out the door. Josh and I could have been good, but I couldn't and didn't really want to let him all the way in."

"And Castle?" Burke broke in.

"With Castle, I was having a hard time allowing him closer…habit mostly, I think…but I really wanted to. And that scared the hell out of me. I didn't know what to make of it. Because I _had_ let him inside my walls further than anyone else – or rather, he barged his way in. We'd become friends. And I mean real friends. Someone who I wanted to hang out with outside the precinct. At his place, or at mine. Just talking about anything, everything and nothing. I mean I see Ryan and Esposito outside work, but Castle was different. And had been different for a long time. And wanting more meant the very real possibility of ruining what we did have. How could we be partners if a romantic relationship didn't work out?"

"Other cops have had relationships…" Burke offered.

"Other cops aren't us," Kate retorted. "Other cops don't have my issues."

She held up her hands.

"I'm not saying they don't have their own issues. Everyone does. But that's why I was scared of getting into anything with Castle. And then when Gates suspended Javi and me, it all cleared up."

"How do you mean?" asked Burke.

"I looked at my badge and thought about what it meant to me. It had meant everything for a very long time. I became a cop to get justice for my mother, my father and me. But my mom wouldn't have wanted me to put my own life on the line for this, and I know my dad wouldn't as well. And in that moment I decided I didn't want to either."

She looked Dr. Burke in the eye.

"I resigned."

Dr. Burke was shocked.

"Kate…" he began.

Kate just looked at him, enjoying the normally unflappable psychiatrist fumbling for words.

"What does Castle think about this?"

"He's okay with it," she said with a smile.

"There's more to the story, isn't there?" he asked.

"Oh, yes. There's more."

She began talking about packing up her stuff and walking out into a surprise thunderstorm.

"Miracle of miracles I was able to get a cab home. I dropped off my work bag and then took a walk."

"In the rain?" asked Dr. Burke.

"Yes. It fit my mood and what I needed to think about so I just walked. I made my way to a park with a swing set where I had kind-of-sort-of asked Castle to wait for me in a roundabout way all those months ago. And I decided what I needed to do."

"Which was?"

"I went to see him. He wasn't thrilled at first, in fact he declined a call I made just before I knocked on the door."

"Did that surprise you?"

Kate thought about it for a moment.

"Yes and no? I mean, I knew he was pissed at me, but I guess I didn't really realize just how much this time. He'd been that angry before, when I didn't call him when I said I would after being shot, and after he found out I'd lied about remembering. But this time it was different. And I don't know if I can really explain that."

She paused again.

"'What do you want, Beckett?' He was so cold. I was already freezing but I could still feel a deeper chill coming from him."

She looked up at Burke.

"That was cheesy, wasn't it? Oh jeez, that was cheesy."

Kate laughed.

"I think Castle would be proud."

Burke smiled. He could guess what had happened, but he waited for Kate. It seemed she needed to get it all out before she could either believe she was happy, or accept that she was.

"I told him I just wanted him," she said softly. "No pretense, the walls are down."

"You're happy."

A statement, the sentiment so obvious there could be no question.

Kate smiled. A big, bright, beautiful smile that made Dr. Burke momentarily jealous of Castle.

"Yes, I'm happy – _we're_ happy. Things got a little bumpy over the next couple of days; people were still after me. I won't go into detail or name names, but I found the man behind by mom's murder. I don't have any real proof, so I can't arrest the person, but we've reached a kind of détente."

"How so?" asked Burke, a little surprised considering how long Kate had been searching for justice.

"I told him I had more than I actually do. With just enough detail that we – Castle, Esposito, Ryan and I – had discovered. He believed me. So…he leaves me and those I care about alone, and I don't go public."

"How long, Kate?" he asked. "How long before the rabbit hole beckons again?"

"I think that ultimately depends on the man behind it all," she said thoughtfully. "I'm still a loose end. But I'm done with it," she looked at Burke. "It's my turn. My turn to be happy. My turn to have a life that's a _life_. It won't be easy. I became a cop because of this case. I left the force because of this case. I want to be done with this case."

"What will you do?"

Kate smiled.

"I talked to Captain Gates and got reinstated. I'm done with this chapter – to use a Castle metaphor – but I still want to get justice for others. I'd like to think I'm a good cop and I want to continue. I still have to serve out the suspension, but, I'm okay with that."

She turned a little pink.

"I'm enjoying the time off."

"I'm happy for you, Kate," smiled Dr. Burke. "And for Castle, too."

Kate beamed, then became serious.

"So, umm, I don't know when I'll be back. I won't say never, I wasn't expecting to come back after my psych eval anyway. But right now, I'm where I want to be, and I want to explore that with Castle."

They stood and shook hands. Dr. Burke watched as Kate left his office, stopping in the waiting room to say goodbye to Annette, then out the door.

She'd be okay, he thought with confidence, then called to his next patient.

 **End**

 _A/N 2: Once again, thank you so much for reading!_


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